Archive | June, 2009

Michael Jackson is dead jokes

These are a couple of jokes floating around now the Michael Jackson is dead. I do apologise for the insensitivity.
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Since Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, they are going to melt him down and turn him into lego blocks so that little kids can play with him for a change.

Newsflash – Michael Jackson did not die of a cardiac arrest?
He was in the children’s ward having a stroke!

Michael Jacksons death is so tragic, he touched so many children in so many special ways.

Apparently the heart attack was caused when he tripped over a pram, doctors are saying “dont blame it on the buggie!”

Gary Glitter has applied to adopt Michael Jackson’s kids.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Alex Ferguson?
Alex Ferguson will be playing Giggs in August.

Michael Jackson’s official cause of death: “The Boogie”. The Sunshine, Moonlight and the Good Times were released after extensive questioning showed they could not be blamed.

Paramedics at the scene report that Michael Jackson never got his colour back.

On the bright side, Michael Jackson had so much plastic surgery, he can be recycled!

At the autopsy they found children’s underwear strapped to Michael Jackson’s upper arm. According to his doctors it is just a patch, he’s been trying to quit for a while.

The FBI has raided Jackos house and found class A drugs in the kitchen, class B drugs in the living room and class 5c in his bedroom.

Michael Jackson’s death is only a PR stunt. At the funeral he will jump out of the coffin and sing thriller.

MJ’s cardiac arrest was brought about when he found out that Boyz 2 Men were a boy band and not a delivery service.

I don’t feel any emotion for MJs death… Guess he never really touched me when I was younger.

Michael Jackson’s UK tour will still go ahead as planned. A spokesman said “So much of Michael was saved by the doctors after his surgical procedures that we are confident of being able to put something together.”

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Funny FIFA 2010 questions

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes…

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? ( USA )

A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don ‘t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

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I always give 100% at work

I always give 100% at work:

  • 13% Monday
  • 22% Tuesday
  • 26% Wednesday
  • 35% Thursday
  • 4% Friday
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The missing ninja turtle

Zumatello!

zuma-ninja-turtle

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