Archive | Email RSS feed for this section

Liverpool jokes

by on 20 Sep, 2011 in Email

Q: What ship has never docked in Liverpool?
A: The Premiership

A kid was walking down the street, when a car pulls up alongside him.
”I’ll give you £10 and a bag of sweets if you get in the car” the man said.
”No chance” said the kid.
”Well what about £20 and a bag of sweets?” the man offered.
‘Look dad, fuck off, I’m not going with you to watch that shite at Anfield today”

Players and staff from Liverpool went to Alderhey Childrens Hospital today to visit the children on the wards.
”It was great just to put a smile on the faces of those less fortunate than us and who face an uncertain future”, said James, aged 7 of Bootle.

Liverpool FC’s games are now being shown live on Gay TV.
Sky felt that the sight of 11 arseholes getting hammered for 90 minutes was just too explicit for their viewers.

A grannie just found a LIVERPOOL 2010/11 season ticket nailed to a tree in the local park. She thought cool i’ll have that. You can never have too many nails!

What the fans had to say about Andy Carroll:

  • What’s the hype about Carroll? He’s cumbersome and slow – looks like he was going for a slow morning jog.
  • Olawale Pereira was perhaps even more damning about the 22-year-old: Andy Carroll should be loaned to Wigan Athletic.
  • Thomas Cooney said: Complete rubbish today! Andy Carroll makes Peter Crouch look like Usain Bolt – he has no pace at all!
Read the rest of this joke! • Comments { 0 }

South African Curry

by on 13 May, 2011 in Email

NATAL CURRY CONTEST

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is..

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY #2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer When they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS “BURN DOWN THE GARAGE” CURRY
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium’s pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed from all the beer..

CURRY # 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY
Judge # 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CURRY # 5 LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CURRY # 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore.

CURRY # 7 – SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE” CURRY
Judge # 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing- it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY # 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 – No Report.

Read the rest of this joke! • Comments { 0 }

Dear…

by on 24 Jan, 2011 in Email

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can’t touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik’s Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can’t. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake

Dear Prince Charming,
You’ve got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

Read the rest of this joke! • Comments { 0 }

The difference between men and women

by on 14 Dec, 2010 in Email

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay R200 for a R100 item he needs.
A woman will pay R100 for a R200 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Read the rest of this joke! • Comments { 0 }

The Man Rules

by on 04 Oct, 2010 in Email

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered 1. ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one.
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you already think you’re fat, then don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Read the rest of this joke! • Comments { 0 }

You know you are a South African when

by on 17 Dec, 2009 in Email, Jokes

  1. You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer
  2. You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
  3. You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car
  4. You can count the national soccer teams scores with no fingers
  5. To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
  6. Hijacking cars is a profession
  7. Defecating in a garden can win you R1-million
  8. You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light
  9. The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car
  10. More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election
  11. People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence, Samsung and Airtime.
  12. “Now now” can mean anything from a minute to a month!
  13. You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.
  14. Travelling at 120 km/h you’re the slowest vehicle on the highway
  15. You’re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
  16. A bullet train is being introduced but we can’t fix potholes
  17. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday
  18. You paint your cars registration on the roof
  19. Half your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination
  20. You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital
  21. You dial a toll free number and nobody answers
  22. You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one
  23. Prisoners go on strike.
  24. You don’t stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
  25. You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
  26. Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
  27. When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad.
  28. The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
  29. The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing.
  30. You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
  31. You call a bathing suit a “swimming costume”.
  32. You stop at robots, not traffic lights.
  33. You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you’ve never had any.
  34. You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
  35. You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.
  36. You go to “braais” (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
  37. You have a gear lock for your car.
  38. You’ve never seen snow in real life.
  39. You know that there’s nothing to do in the Free State.
  40. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa because you know its true…
Read the rest of this joke! • Comments { 8 }

Should you forward that email?

by on 13 Jul, 2009 in Email

Use these very important steps to determine if you should forward that email!

Should you forward that email

Read the rest of this joke! • Comments { 9 }
Older Entries »