The difference between men and women

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay R200 for a R100 item he needs.
A woman will pay R100 for a R200 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Don’t carry paint in your car!

This recently happened in Durban. A family were carrying a large paint can in their car when they had a bit of an accident!

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The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered 1. ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one.
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you already think you’re fat, then don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

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How not to shoot a watermelon from a slingshot

This is definitely not how you should be shooting a watermelon from a slingshot! Watch this video from The Amazing Race!

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If Facebook was created years ago…

Facebook

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You know you are a South African when

  1. You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer
  2. You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
  3. You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car
  4. You can count the national soccer teams scores with no fingers
  5. To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
  6. Hijacking cars is a profession
  7. Defecating in a garden can win you R1-million
  8. You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light
  9. The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car
  10. More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election
  11. People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence, Samsung and Airtime.
  12. “Now now” can mean anything from a minute to a month!
  13. You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.
  14. Travelling at 120 km/h you’re the slowest vehicle on the highway
  15. You’re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
  16. A bullet train is being introduced but we can’t fix potholes
  17. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday
  18. You paint your cars registration on the roof
  19. Half your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination
  20. You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital
  21. You dial a toll free number and nobody answers
  22. You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one
  23. Prisoners go on strike.
  24. You don’t stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
  25. You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
  26. Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
  27. When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad.
  28. The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
  29. The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing.
  30. You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
  31. You call a bathing suit a “swimming costume”.
  32. You stop at robots, not traffic lights.
  33. You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you’ve never had any.
  34. You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
  35. You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.
  36. You go to “braais” (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
  37. You have a gear lock for your car.
  38. You’ve never seen snow in real life.
  39. You know that there’s nothing to do in the Free State.
  40. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa because you know its true…
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Gaviscon Fireman advert

This is what can go wrong a “ I can like to speak English” person writes the punch line for Gaviscon (heart burn remedy).

gaviscon-advert

It’s like a fireman came in your mouth! Haha!

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