Tag Archives: Soccer

You know you are a South African when

by on 17 Dec, 2009 in Email, Jokes

  1. You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer
  2. You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
  3. You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car
  4. You can count the national soccer teams scores with no fingers
  5. To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
  6. Hijacking cars is a profession
  7. Defecating in a garden can win you R1-million
  8. You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light
  9. The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car
  10. More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election
  11. People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence, Samsung and Airtime.
  12. “Now now” can mean anything from a minute to a month!
  13. You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.
  14. Travelling at 120 km/h you’re the slowest vehicle on the highway
  15. You’re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
  16. A bullet train is being introduced but we can’t fix potholes
  17. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday
  18. You paint your cars registration on the roof
  19. Half your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination
  20. You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital
  21. You dial a toll free number and nobody answers
  22. You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one
  23. Prisoners go on strike.
  24. You don’t stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
  25. You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
  26. Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
  27. When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad.
  28. The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
  29. The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing.
  30. You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
  31. You call a bathing suit a “swimming costume”.
  32. You stop at robots, not traffic lights.
  33. You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you’ve never had any.
  34. You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
  35. You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.
  36. You go to “braais” (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
  37. You have a gear lock for your car.
  38. You’ve never seen snow in real life.
  39. You know that there’s nothing to do in the Free State.
  40. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa because you know its true…
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Funny FIFA 2010 questions

by on 15 Jun, 2009 in Email

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes…

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don ‘t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

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